Texas Chili Cookoff

In about six weeks the fourth and final book written by my friend, the late Gibson Michaels, will be released. 

Working with his widow, Brenda, and our mutual editor, Dawn Greenfield Ireland, we’ve put the finishing touches on his sci-fi/fantasy hybrid, Eerie. Check out the cover over to the side. Being a part of this effort will go down as one of my proudest accomplishments. Once you read it, I’m sure that you will agree that it was his best work yet and we were robbed of a great voice in SF/F back on Sept. 7, 2017.

Another legacy he left behind was sharing a funny story about a certain chili competition held in Texas. I’m not sure where this story originated, so I cannot credit the original author, but whenever I need a chuckle I call up this story and I’m instantly in a much better mood. Check it out and see if you agree that its a hoot:

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Texas Chili Cookoff

Recently, a visitor from the Mid-West named Frank was selected as a judge at a Texas Chili cook-off, mainly because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment and Frank just happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. Frank was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told him that he could have free beer during the tasting, so he accepted.

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what is this stuff? You could remove oil stains from your driveway with it. Took two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are nuts.


Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) flavor with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeño tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, but needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.


Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a toxic chemical spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably behind her back they call her “Forklift.”


Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled. It’s kinda cute…. Damn, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating.


Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw these rednecks!


Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later. Is chili an aphrodisiac? I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.


Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned Peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late. Tell our children I’m sorry I was not there to conceive them. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people & tell them I’ve discovered a super nova on my tongue.


Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank… I wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: (Unable to report.)

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